Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion
I am feeling like the little engine that could right now, or maybe even the energizer bunny. I just keep going and going. Sometimes I need to take breaks, or I get distracted. That is when I take a step back and assess what it is I really do want. It is in those moments that the universe usually interjects and reminds me.
In this most recent instance, the moment when I was feeling like I could be swayed in either direction, I received a phone call from a company asking me if I am available to work. I did not even submit myself that day for any work. The day of shooting, I was the happiest I had been in a long time. I felt rejuvenated and ready to take over the world. This is truly what I want for my life. This is the career I want to pursue and the job I want to go to every day. Thanks for the reminder universe!
So… this is my fight song. Take back my life song.
Life is crazy. Sometimes people get into your head. Sometimes these are the people close to you. Sometimes they don’t intentionally do this. Sometimes they divert your attention from those big dreams of yours by dangling shiny ideas in front of you.
I never meant to stray from acting. I never wanted to “give up”. I didn’t realize how unhappy I was. I didn’t realize what was going on around me. I didn’t realize what I was missing out on.
I am not starting where I left off. I left off in a very negative space internally. I lost some confidence. I was afraid. I made appointments and cancelled them out of fear, or because I wasn’t fully committed to myself. I am creating a new starting point with positive energy surrounding me.
How can I start where I left off when I am a different person now? A person who smiles at the though of her future, at the possibilities that lie ahead, at the people who are supporting me by pushing me and asking the right questions. A person who can see all the amazing opportunities and experiences that lie ahead. A person who is ready to work hard. A person willing to make the commitment to herself…. and let’s face it, that is the most important change.
We all have things that we want to do, we have to and then things that we find reasons to do. Those things would work quite nicely in that ball of “WHY”.
I want to be a successful actress. There are many things that I need to do. Want to do. And sometimes, find reasons to do. But why is it easier for me to find a reason to go to CrossFit, flip a 250 Pound tire, do 100 pushups, deadlifts… burpees? I can leave my house. Drive 15 minutes to the gym. Torture myself for an hour. Come back home and somehow have no energy to do any of the tasks at hand to get me where I need to be.
I want to be a successful actress. And yet, I find reasons to follow a different path. I dont want to be a professional or even an amateur powerlifter.
I want to be a successful actress. However, I seem to find excuses not to do my work. Being an actress is so much more than just acting. Just an hour a day. I spend that hour flipping tires, but why cant I buckle down and focus on creating a budget, contact agents, write postcards or any of the other millions of things on my to do list.
I want to be a successful actress. The happiness I feel, the gratifying feeling deep in my soul. The way it feels to be on stage singing for a crowd. Standing in front of a camera. Have you ever really looked at what makes your soul smile?
My soul is never happier than when I am following my dreams. I want to be a successful actress and that needs to stick with me, when I am so tired that I cant move. Remember the why. The reasons I do what I do, and what I want and where I want to be.
I want to be a successful actress.
The older I get, the more to myself I get. The less I want to put myself out there. It has to do a lot with my comfort zone. I need to find a way out of that bubble and break free. As always, it is a work in progress.
I was at a point in my adventure where I was emotionally drained. It had nothing to do with the business or my dream. It was me. I was burnt out. I had to take a step back and work on who I am, and what I wanted. I needed to take care of myself.
As of a few weeks ago, I have found where I need to be. I have reconnected with my goals. I could not be happier. I have been pushing myself and completing more tasks in a week than I was in a month before. I feel like my brain has realigned with my heart and I am ready to take on everything that could be thrown at me.
Knowing that you have made mistakes, and then growing from them is a huge part of the battle. I will not let my mistakes hold me back, rather they will propel me forward.
I’ve always lived my life in a way that you write out a to-do list and as you complete tasks you cross them out. Then you move on without taking into account how long each task will take you. For instance… On my list today was to write a blog. Normally I would write, edit and post and it would probably take me an hour. However, I now have a schedule that I am to follow only allowing me a certain amount of time per day on each task. Today I am allotted 30 minutes. I probably won’t finish it today (2/5/16) in my allowed time. And honestly, it messes with my mind.
The idea that I can’t finish what i started is absolutely messing with me. There is such a satisfactory feeling of completing a task that I feel like I am missing with this new schedule. However, I also am able to complete more tasks this way… Which is also making my head spin.
I’m a work in progress and I’m sure I’ll get the hang of it one day. The best thing I can do for myself is keep trying. It will become second nature one day.
I’ve come to the realization that your dreams are always a part of you no matter how you spend your time. It’s just a matter of how you want to use that energy. I’ve been doing a lot of self care to get me to a happy and healthy mindset in doing so I’ve noticed that no matter what I do, my heart is always in acting. I go to performances and cry when they begin because I feel it. The passion and love tugging at me. That I’m doing the right things. It’s such a strong force and I’m not even sure if I’m explaining it correctly or coherently.
I’m working on lots of things right now. Mainly just building my brand, networking and updating everything. It’s been a rough summer and I’m very happy to be feeling this way again.
Hope everyone has a day above the rest! ❤